I never learn my lesson. At least not right away. Eventually I get it but I usually end up choosing the long, dragged out, what’s-taking-me-so-long route to reach my destination. I mean I literally take the crooked road to reach highest mountain. Then I follow the narrow, rocky path with no light alongside the deepest, coldest stream. Next I trudge through the creepiest trail with brush so overgrown and thick that I can’t see what’s going on in front of me . . . yet I SWEAR I know what’s up ahead. Then I go round and round and round the mountain passing the same familiar markers I did the days, months, and years before. Yet I still keep going, not thinking to change my course of action.
After getting dizzy from playing ring-around-the-rosey with the mountain, I sit on my brain and rest for a long while. While recharging, I’m trying to figure out why I’m not progressing up and over that stupid overgrown hill. I mean it’s right in front of me. I see it clearly. I’m looking right at it. And it’s looking at me. And man it’s BIG. And I’m still so small. Then I panic and wonder if I can even get over that massive mound and come out unscathed on the other side. Sometimes I’m afraid of the nosebleed that I’ll surely get while climbing to such a high altitude figuring it will leave me weaker than my actual journey. Sometimes I just want to rest on my brain for all eternity and not risk expending any extra emotional energy, brain power or physical work which may result in potential hemorrhage and failure as I climb.
“I have no courage,” is my thought. “I’m a wuss,” is my other thought. “I’m so very tired. I just can’t,” is my overwhelming thought. Can’t I just be . . . just breathe . . . just exist? Why do I need to keep growing? Keep fighting the elements? I’m so very tired and seriously so over it.
But Jesus was tired and exhausted too wasn’t He?
Then through my haze of weariness I ask myself why do I keep doing this to myself? If route 1 didn’t work I really should try route 2. Then if route 2 doesn’t pan out I should really try route 3. Why do I constantly keep wasting my time going round and round in circles rather than just dig in, get to it and do the gosh darn thing? I’m not getting any younger. What I’m already doing is not working. I’m just wasting my own time, energy, money, and sanity following the same course over and over wondering woulda, coulda, shoulda. And if I don’t get to doing what I need to be doing, what I should be doing, and what I was called to do . . . more time will be wasted and God’s gonna choose someone else.
