I DIDN’T WANT IT

I never imagined my life like this. Divorced single mom. That hit me out of nowhere. That was a very messy, very hard time.

I never imagined my finances like this. Bad. Bad choices. Bad decisions. Bad planning.

And, I never ever ever imagined drawing so close to God that I can smell Him with every breath.

He wasn’t in the forefront of my mind. He kinda just tip toed across my brain waves when I needed Him to. I never let Him linger long enough to make any kind of impact in my thoughts or have Him affect my actions. I mean, why should I? He wasn’t there in the pits of my day to day reality to see what that dude did to me. He wasn’t physically there with me to slap the rose colored glasses off my face so I could see the atrocities I put up with. How the heck could God be at the forefront of my psyche when I couldn’t see Him? And I couldn’t hear Him? After all, He’s the one who let all that stuff happen to me, stuff that left me in the mess that I was.

And what a hot mess I was.

Have you ever felt that you were going to lose your mind? That you were one step away from insanity? That what you thought your life was, really wasn’t. And you felt that every day, for god knows how many years, was a lie? Lie on top of lie on top of lie. And you wondered how you were going to get your life back. How the hell were you going to get back all the years that were stolen from you? Right out from under you when you were minding your own business? And you wondered if the prescription on those rose colored glasses you wore were out dated, so outdated that your vision totally clouded over so you couldn’t see beyond the rose facade that was masking the thorns lingering beneath all that beauty?

Now, I know that God allowed all of that crap to happen to me so I could see Him. So I could hear from Him, and smell Him, and feel Him. But why would someone who is supposed to love you so much want you to live through so much turmoil and confusion? God isn’t a man of confusion, so what’s up with that?

I never wanted my mess to be a message (I’m a Virgo so I don’t like messes).
I didn’t want my frown turned upside down (and why’d there have to be a frown to begin with?).
I didn’t want to go through any tests that were turned into testimonials (I’ve never been good with multiple choice).
And I sure as heck don’t want any more trials morphing into triumphs.
I don’t want any part of it anymore.
I’m over it. Done. Finito.

But, that’s not up to me now is it?

Unfortunately, God is going to keep on with His trials and messes and tests and frowns. It sucks, I know. But, how else is He going to keep my attention? When things are good, I slack off of Him. When things get dicey, I turn to Him. So, I figure I’ll just keep leaning on Him every day. He’s like my rechargeable battery. He gives me strength. I have peace knowing He’s there and will charge my soul. And I can turn to Him for some emotional stroking because He is constant. He is honest. He is unconditional love. Not a dude. Not a job. Not friends. Him.

Though I can’t physically see Him, I saw Him in how He saved me from many more years of mess. He picked up the undesirables and flung them far, far away. He didn’t want that life for me. He didn’t want me taken advantage of anymore. He didn’t want any more of my time being wasted with anyone who was not worthy of me. Though it hurt like a root canal down to my very core, He didn’t want that life for me anymore. THAT is how He loves.

So yes, God let me go through all of that mess to have a message for you. My frown was turned upside down. Testimonials grew out of my tests. And, as I sit back and watch my life unfold, what seemed like a lifetime of trials turned into lots of triumphs.

But, I still didn’t want it.