I was lost in everything and everyone but myself. I wanted to be everything and all things to everyone. I needed to fix everything. Do everything. Help everyone. Solve everything. I needed to go everywhere and do everything so I wouldn’t miss anything. I needed to attend every gathering and celebrate every special occasion and make a big deal out of everything all of the time. I got lost in the overwhelmingness of everything and everyone. I lost myself.
I did for him and for them and for everyone . . . but I forgot to do for myself. I neglected myself. And I’m not even talking about pedicures, manicures, and hair appointments, although those are on my list. I’m talking about buying new clothes and caring for my skin and eating healthy and saving money and listening to music I liked and loving myself. I became so low maintenance that I was no maintenance. As long as everyone was tidy and happy and healthy, I could catch up later. I was so lost.
I forgot myself in the midst of living life. I became nonexistent to me. I fell to the bottom of my to do list, right next to Jesus. And I was comfortable there. I kept everyone and everything together. I was the man of the house. Head of the household. I was the boss. I placed everyone’s needs and wants above mine to keep my household afloat. Isn’t that what love and marriage and family is about? Sacrifice? Devotion? Putting everything and everyone above my own wants and needs? Above me?
NO. NOT. AT. ALL.
Sacrifice, yes. Everyone sacrifices a piece of themselves for their family, friends, and job. Devotion, yes. Devotion to family, friends, and job is inevitable. But what about sacrifice and devotion to me, myself and I? I forgot that part. I forgot that I needed to be taken care of too. That I needed looking after too. That I needed a time out too. That I needed to be more than just the planner. The holder togetherer. The glue. I forgot and I got lost in everyone’s everything.
So now I’m trying to find me. The search is taking a bit longer than I thought it would but I’m well on my way. At first I put up a few missing persons fliers in my mind. Then I searched the depths of my brain to bring back to memory what kind of person I lost. I had to remember who I was. What I liked. What I wanted to be and see and do. And even when I did remember, I wasn’t that same person anymore. Life happened and things changed. I had to let go of the old, lost me in order to find the new me. My beliefs changed while I was gone. My views expanded. My peace and my strength grew. The love I have for myself increased tremendously. I have new likes and dislikes. I have heightened insights and overwhelming peace.
So now I have no second thoughts whenever I need to take an impromptu nap. I have no guilt if I throw about an occasional “No” when asked to perform some kind of task or favor. And I no longer feel badly if I don’t pick up the phone right away or return calls with the quickness like I used to. I’m good. I’m better. All will still well in the world if I go AWOL for a while.
I was lost but now I’m SLOWLY being found . . . by me.
