Let me tell you how feezing funny God is. SMH. I tell Him what I want to do and He tells me nope . . . this is what I want you to do. Then I tell Him He’s GOT to be kidding me. There’s NO way I’m even remotely interested in doing what He wants me to do. And hell, I’m not even THAT talented or expert or knowledgeable to be doing that thing He wants me to do anyway so what the heck does He want me doing it for?
You may ask how do I even know what He wants me to do in the first place. Easy. The thing that I REALLY REALLY want to do is not happening. I can’t progress in it. It’s not working out for me. It’s like the biggest no go you could ever see, yet I want it so I keep going for it. I keep going after it. And while I’m chasing this thing that I want to do so badly, He’s shaking His head at me cause He doesn’t want me to do that thing. Or have that thing. Meanwhile, the thing He wants for me comes naturally. Doors seem to open for THAT thing. I get all the classes, money, time, awards, recognition so I can keep doing THAT thing. That’s how I know. And it just about kills me.
I mean, I’m good at the thing I don’t even want to do. REALLY good. I do it well. At first, like anything, the thing is hard. I have to study, take classes and practice. Then I have to take tests that I study and study for, tests that I pass each a every feezing time. Ugh. And as I’m studying and taking classes and passing all of these tests and perfecting the craft HE wants me to perfect . . . I’m asking myself, every step of the daggone way, what the heck am I getting myself into? I’m going deeper and deeper and I’m doing it and doing it and I’m rising and rising and I have no idea why. Then I remember whose idea this was to begin with. And it wasn’t mine.
I’m like God, really? Are You kidding me right now? This is great and all. I have a paycheck (could be a bit more pay in that check though). I’m helping people. I’m making a difference. I’m gaining knowledge and expertise in things that one year ago I’d NEVER, EVER even FATHOM that I’d be doing. But really? Really God? (Yeah, we talk like that to each other). But He doesn’t pay me any mind when I complain. He just keeps on keeping on as He piles on all the stuff I swear I can’t do. He ignores my panic and anxiety and shoves me deeper into the things He sets up for me. Then a few months later, I’m doing ALL of those things He wants me to . . . against my will of course. . . but without the trepidation. Without hesitation. And I’m shocking the crap out of myself when, not only do I do those things, but I perfect that craft. And I get good. REAL good. God He kills me. SMH.
God’s got jokes. He’s got lots and lots of jokes. He probably gets the hiccups on a regular from laughing at His own jokes. Let me tell you, I really and truly believe his favorite joke is me. SMH.
