NO ANSWERS IN THE NATURAL? CHECK WITH GOD IN THE SUPERNATURAL

So . . . when all that crap that was done to me, was done was done to me, I had no idea why it was all done to me. What did I do to him? To them? Nothing. I came up with nothing. I had no answer. I just knew what I was. I was faithful. I was supportive. Actually, I was da bomb. I was ride or die. I was there. Holding it down. Keeping it together. I was committed. Trustworthy. Honest. Caring. Loyal. OK, now I sound like a Valentine’s Day card. But fa real though, I really was all of those things. That’s why I just didn’t get it.

As I cried, I asked why. I asked how? I asked “Are you f***ing kidding me right now? This is my life? What happened to all my effort? All my time? All my years? Who does what they want and just doesn’t care? Who does what they want and just doesn’t care AND their family goes along with it? W. T. F? I couldn’t wrap my brain around it all. None of it. Not the deceit. Not the lies. Not the lack of guilt or apologies or caring. None of it.

I mean, I wracked my brain. Just like in fifth grade when I had to do those current event assignments and cut out newspaper articles and answer those five annoying questions . . . Who? What? Where? When? Why? I asked those same questions when what was done to me was done. But I added one more question. How? How could I not have seen? How could I have been so blind? How did he . . . they . . . pull the clouds over my eyes? I asked this of everyone in my small circle. I went to them. My sister. My friends. My dad. How could I not have known. Not have seen. Wasted so much time. I really needed to know. Then when none of us could come up with an answer, I asked Him.

The who? I already knew who. The one I laid with for years and years. Had kids with. Confided in. Was faithful to. The family I adopted as my own. The what was obvious. The double life that he lived while I lived our lives. The where and when . . . OMG. I got all those answers straight from the uninvited third party, who was only too glad to spill the details. I was gifted with every answer about everything I could ever need or want to know about the life he enjoyed . . . and all the stuff that was NOT done for me while he was enjoying his life. It was the why that wasn’t answered. It was the why did this happen to me? Why did it happen for so many years. Why were my years stolen? Why didn’t I see it? Why da hell wasn’t he checkin’ for me? Sweatin’ me? Beggin’ me? Groveling? Why?

I had to know what no one could tell me. What no one could answer. What I couldn’t answer for myself. So when I didn’t get any answers in the natural, I checked with God in the supernatural. I’d sit in any chapel in any church I could find in my travels. I’d sit in the pews and stare at the alter for hours. I’d sit in my backyard and look up at the moon and the stars for hours. I’d lay in bed and talk to Him for hours. I’d ask Him, why? Why’d You let this happen to me? Why didn’t You tell me this was going on? Why’d You let it go on for so many, many years? Why? I NEEDED to know.

Then I got it. It hit me like a lightening bolt. This entire ordeal didn’t happen TO me. It happened FOR me. I am a child of God. I am blessed, though I didn’t feel like it. I am worthy, though I questioned that. I am loved, though feelings of abandonment had me questioning this too. I wasn’t meant to be with someone who disrespected my body, my time, my energy, my money, my love, my devotion. In otherwards, I wasn’t meant to be with someone who disrespected . . . wait for it . . . me. I didn’t need to fight for someone who wasn’t fighting for me. I didn’t need to be with someone who held me back from being my best self, while I continually put all my efforts into making him his best self. I didn’t need to be with someone who wasn’t what I was . . . who wasn’t all the things on that Valentine’s Day card. Committed. Trustworthy. Honest. Caring. Loyal. Faithful. I wasn’t born to be with a thief.

I leaned on Jesus as I read Psalms 23 and 18 and 121 and 91. Laughable since I’d never read a Psalm before. Unbelievable since I’d never read the Bible before. But as I read, I drew close to Him. I put my head in His lap and depended on Him. Not on those in my small circle. But on Him. Then it all became clear. Crystal clear. The clouds and shields that blinded me fell off, and my eyes opened wide. I could hear God’s whispers, when I couldn’t hear before. Warning me. Telling me. Showing me. Saving me. Assuring me I was more than enough. I was capable and strong. I was loving and loved. I lived life with character and goodness. And he didn’t. They didn’t. Jesus stroked my hair and soothed my heart. He Hugged me and never left me. He was always with me. Waiting for me to want Him. To count on Him. To lean on Him.

It didn’t all happen overnight. It took a while. A really long while. Years. And I couldn’t do it by myself. He put a charismatic prayer group and spiritually strong mentors in my path that I wound never, ever, ever, have ever known had I still been with him. God armored me up and strengthened my resolve. He got me back on track and gave me Holy boldness. Because He loves me, He removed the crap I was dealt . . . the crap I allowed . . . and He cleaned my house. He flicked him and them away. Far far away, so I could start anew. Start afresh. Get a do-over. A make-over. He put my dreams and my goals back into existence and He tidied me up. He stopped more years of crap that was done to me, from being done to me anymore. He told me what I needed to know. I found my answers in Him.

So, when I get no answers in the natural realm, from the world I live in everyday, day in and day out . . . I check with God in the supernatural. He tells me what I need to know every single time.