I thought I found my forever man. The one I was to be with until I died. His personality was nice. His love was true. We got along great.
I thought I found my forever job. The place I was supposed to be until I chose to be there no longer. The hours were good. The distance was wonderful. The pay was phenomenal.
I thought I found my forever happiness. A frame of mind where all things came together and stability was my middle name. My bills were paid. My health was on. My peace was peaceful.
But . . .
The man was no where near what I thought him to be.
The job was ripped from under me.
Peace evades me.
The things I could grasp are now suddenly out of reach. And I can’t find them. They’ve disappeared into the abyss of who knows where, and who knows when they will return to me. Or even if they will return. The things I planned for myself are pretty much nowhere to be found. Search as I may, it all eludes me. This is all so surreal.
I don’t like this spot. I’ve never been in a spot like this. I want to go back to the spot I was in (minus that particular man of course) before doom and gloom consumed the world and steady paychecks were a thing. The uncertainty of my future plagues my mind. It’s dark and damp in my head and light has a hard time getting in.
I want assurance, stability, and order back. I want to get up each day and have my set routine and the knowledge that all will be well with me and the world. I want things to be tidy and neat with me again. I want my progression to progress and the plans I have for my life to go forward in an orderly and uniform fashion. I don’t want uncertainty, confusion, unpredictability, and doubts to run rampant in my dark, damp mind. I want what I want. I want my life back.
Let’s be real . . . I want my paycheck back.
It’s been two months now and my paycheck isn’t back. I kinda don’t think it will come back. Not the way I planned. Not the way I set things up. Not in that way.
Before anxiety and fear get the best of me, I have to get a grip or else I’ll lose it. God being who He is in my life, won’t let me wallow in this new and uncharted hell pit I’ve been thrust into. Instead, He gives me distractions up the wazoo to remove me from my head space so as not to allow me to roll around in my misfortune.
And, I am pissed.
I just want to wallow yet, He never gives me the chance. Why won’t He just let me wallow in it all? I need time by myself to roll around in the mess that is once again me. But no, He just won’t let me be. Try as I might, the wallow eludes me just as my paycheck does. I have no choice but to comply with His wishes and forgo my much sought after pity party.
Then, a thought bogards me. Well, more like a vision. My mind’s eye begins to see past the crowded, dark, damp abyss of a room that is my mind. It sees up and above the walls full of chaos. My mind’s eye rises above the dark crowd of pandemonium and soars high. It sets its sights way across the disorder and focuses on the light in my crowded mind. It seeks out uncluttered and uncomplicated, serenity. Clear across the room is the peace that eludes me. I don’t see a paycheck, but the light is enough right now to keep me free of panic and noise.
I hold onto this vision when my thoughts go dark. I seek out the peace of that light and soar high above the negative thoughts that want me to wallow. I reach my arms out to the Lord and hold on tight until my thoughts become worry free.
While I wait on a paycheck to find me again, thoughts of a pity party get further and further away. The time I attempt to carve out for wallowing slips farther out of my reach. As usual, I am humbled and put into my place because the plans I have for me, take a back seat to the plans God has for me. Once again, it’s quite obvious (and quite annoying) that my plans are not His plans. His are better. And, though I can’t see past the light in the room in my head to what His plans are for my next step, I struggle and wait through the unknown.
So, while I wait, I pray. I write. I stay healthy. And, I look for a new paycheck!
But, gee whiz God . . . can You give a sista a break?
